Few blows are as devastating to a marriage as infidelity. When one partner cheats, the losses for the other partner and for the relationship are many and complex.
There is a loss of trust in the partnership’s exclusivity and a sense that something profoundly private has been exposed to public view.
The straying partner feels guilty, defensive, ashamed, and unworthy.
The nonstraying partner feels deceived, hurt, and angry. The wronged person may also feel inadequate and rejected–worried that she has somehow brought on the disaster.
There is damage to the vision of the relationship that both parties shared.
Whether the rift can be mended so that the spouses can move on depends on several different factors. Can each person forgive? Do they each know how to make and receive an apology? In the wake of the damage, do both people find the relationship worth preserving? How much do they care about it? How we respond when we think we have been betrayed often reflects what we learned as children by watching our parents and our siblings.
For couples who want to move forward after infidelity, there is hope. The pointers offered below can help.
What Happened? Talk It Through with Your Partner
The first step in healing the wound is honesty. The wrongdoer must tell all, so that both spouses can believe that in the future you will both speak fully, without withholding information, and in the expectation of working out any problems.
In addition, the straying partner needs to show awareness of what her actions mean not just to herself but also to him. She can mention the feelings that led her to pursue the affair or affairs, but she needs also to be sensitive to how her actions will appear to her partner once she has described them. She will need to hear, and acknowledge, her partner’s anger, outrage, and hurt.
The nonstraying partner must be able to listen, asking questions for fuller understanding but without interrupting or ending the conversation prematurely. The dialogue will take place over several–possibly many–sessions because there is too much to absorb all at once. Both people will be grappling over time with the affair’s significance for their relationship.
Can You Forgive Me? Making Amends
The offending party will need to ask for forgiveness and sound sorry. The request must express awareness of wrongdoing, heartfelt regret, and the sincere intention not to repeat the offense. By themselves, however, these elements are not enough. An injury has been inflicted, and the wounded party must say what is needed to promote healing. The unfaithful partner must therefore ask, "What would I need to do for you to forgive me? How can I make things right between us?"
It takes time to rebuild trust. The wronged partner needs to see that the desire to make amends is lasting. In addition, the wounded spouse needs to be able to teach her partner how to reassure her and how to please or soothe her. This can be a difficult task, especially for people who are accustomed more to anticipating the needs of others than to remembering their own.
What Do We Mean to Each Other? Taking Stock
The decision to move forward with a relationship also entails an unflinching look at the past history.
How big an investment have both people made in this partnership? How long have they been together? What experiences have they weathered? Did they create a home? A family? Children? A joint business? What would it mean if this past history came to a halt? Could the partners shake hands and agree that their paths have now diverged? Alternatively, could the crisis be regarded as a watershed moment, an opportunity to enrich and strengthen the relationship going forward? If so, what changes could be made?
Getting Your Needs Met
We build trust in a relationship by demonstrating knowledge of each other and by honoring each other’s quirks and preferences. When I remember what is important to you, I show you respect. When honoring you involves some sacrifice on my part, I demonstrate love and commitment.
None of us, however, is a mind reader. Before a relationship can succeed, each person must be able to give the other regular news bulletins. It’s my responsibility to tell you, my partner, both how I feel and what I need. Otherwise you have no reliable way of knowing–and I am not so likely to get my needs met. You should be able to count on me to let you know how I feel, and I should be able to count on you to do the same without embarrassment.
The trick here, of course, is not so much telling the other person what you need as knowing your own self. To be able to keep yourself content and productive, in good health from one day to the next, you must be in intimate contact with your feelings. Taking care of yourself may mean taking a day off from work, demanding a room of your own, or telling someone else that she has hurt your feelings or that you are angry with her. If we are tuned in to our feelings, we know when we must take action. If we ignore our feelings, we become unhappy and, eventually, ill.
If you, my partner, have hurt me by taking another lover, then you might earn my trust by trying to please me. You might leave me love notes in my sock drawer. You might remember that I am especially fond of artichokes and that I don’t like sweetbreads (although you do). You could clean the bathroom without my asking–or the refrigerator. You could surprise me with tickets to hear my favorite band. You could tie a bow on my toothbrush. You could hug me, compliment me, and celebrate me. You could stop what you are doing, make eye contact, and listen attentively to my stories about my day and ask questions to show that you heard me.
Strengthening the Ties That Bind
Most long-term relationships become streamlined over time for efficiency. Joint responsibilities are parceled out, some to one person, some to the other, depending on individual habits and talents, whether the task involves cooking, financial management, landscaping, or child rearing. Most households have their rituals, too.
How does breakfast on Sunday differ from breakfast on Monday? Do you listen to "All Things Considered" at 5:00 pm or watch CNN at 10:00 pm? How do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, and the Fourth of July? Do you say grace at meals? Do you have special family games or jokes? You and your partner can add customs and rituals to celebrate your union. Take photos, and make an album. Shoot videos. Design a garden together, or build a porch swing that you can both enjoy. Add social events to enjoy alone and with other couples. Commemorate your anniversary not just annually but monthly.
One rewarding exercise involves writing on a calendar, month by month, the things that the two of you look forward to each year. Children will enjoy helping you add to the list. You can also take the occasion to talk with them about the things that make your family special–values, customs, and assets. When you explore the specialness of your relationship or household together, you fortify it against threats from outside. Remember America’s pioneers, heading west, who drew their Conestoga wagons into a circle, protecting the center?
Extending the Frontier
As you work to restore your violated relationship, you are implicitly enhancing its potential for growth. Over time the relationship will alter and deepen not just because of its increasing length but also because the participants–the two of you!–are aging and changing.
For your relationship to be vital and healthy, you must do more than simply accommodate each other. Identify new pleasures and new challenges. Have you always wanted to breed Great Danes? Perhaps the two of you would like to play Mah-Jongg or scuba dive. Or maybe you have a secret urge to learn Chinese or bungee jump. Whenever you attempt something new, you are, metaphorically speaking, exploring a place you have never been before. If you do it together, you will be enriching your relationship, creating memories that signify its specialness.
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